Getting started: End-of-Life Conversations

You do not need to be seriously ill or on the death bed to start having conversations

In a Singaporean survey, only 50% have ever talked about death or dying with their loved ones and only 36% feel comfortable talking about their own death.
There is always this association that talking about the topic of death is inauspicious and brings bad luck, thus many still shun away from approaching this topic. Not everyone would be comfortable with such conversations but these conversations are important in helping both the person that is willing to talk about it and the other person that is willing to listen.

Listening to someone who wishes to share what is important to them as they reach the end of their lives is a privilege.

Here are some tips and areas for you to think through before sharing with someone else:

Relationships

Share about anything and anyone you want to share about! Be it family members or friends, think if there’s anything you’d like to change about the relationship. It could be something you’ll like to change or even be something you’ll like the other person to change. Taking these proactive steps to mend and better relationships would likely be well-received by the receiver.

Lifestyle

Is there anything about your current lifestyle that you would like to change? It could be a change in environment, simply the feeling of being home and the ease of being in one’s own home could be a great comfort. Other lifestyle considerations could also include that of leading a more active lifestyle, travelling down memory lane to the places where memories were forged with family and friends.

Religion or Personal beliefs

Sharing with others how you’d like to grow spiritually or simply opening up and sharing about your personal beliefs opens up opportunities for sharings on different points of views and might help to reconcile differences at times.

Healthcare preferences

The power of choice – for many terminally ill patients or patients under palliative care, many would prefer spending their last days in the comfort of their own homes. It is important for family members to hear these wishes.

Financial and legal matters

This can be a touchy topic which can cause disputes and legal matters that take long to resolve even after one’s passing. Wills and special instructions before the passing would make matters much more convenient for family members.

If you’re on the receiving end, don’t kill the conversation

Listening to someone who wishes to share what is important to them as they reach the end of their lives is a privilege. Consider it a gift. Reciprocate with respect and love

• Listen – It is not easy for someone to open up about such matters, even more so for the older generation. Hold your views and refrain from casting their judgement, it will be so comforting for the other person opening up to know that you care to listen
• Be encouraging – Body language, tone and words all play a part in conveying our thoughts and feelings. Body language is so important. With this being a sensitive topic, showing them that you care by giving your 100% attention and even reaching out to hold their hands as they speak is great. Nod your head as a sign of acknowledgement and if necessary ask questions that help you clarify what is important.
• Remain calm. It is natural that such conversations would trigger the emotions and bring tears. Breathe in to slowly calm yourself if you have to.
• Be honest. Be honest in conveying how you feel about the subject matter that was shared. Do so respectfully, acknowledging and validating the other person’s sharings.